I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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