I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
