Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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