you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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