lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
