Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
As shirtless as possible
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
