On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
