I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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