Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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