i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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