I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
