i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
