It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I want her autograph on my taint
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using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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