In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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