considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
