brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
