Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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