The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize