dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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