Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
