Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are going to name an STD after you.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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