just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
