im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
