I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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