Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
