i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
