It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
