I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
