I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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