You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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