and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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