It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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