it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
