I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
