my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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