is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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