I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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