either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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