Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
