Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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