We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize