I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Pants 0. Shit 1.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
