I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
