how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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