So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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