Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
