I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Drake has all the answers
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
