Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
