I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
