life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
