allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
