he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
