just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...