wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!