i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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