and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
