Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
