just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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