friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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