evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
