i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
